You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
