He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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