sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
