You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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