I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
