I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
my liver is dry heaving
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
