Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
