I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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