in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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