I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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