Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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