Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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