theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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