Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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