Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
