how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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