I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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