I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
