so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
