the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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