if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
