ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
