the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
