We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
