Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
