Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
