i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
