I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
