paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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