im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Randomize
