you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
