You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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