well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
