I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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