hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
