Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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