he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
