Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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