apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
