6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Randomize
