I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
