Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
