I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
