so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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