its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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