I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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