It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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