so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
