You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
