i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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