WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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