the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
