Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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