I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
