You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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