y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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