I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
