I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
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She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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