I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
